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Jan. 8th, 2006

poop

MY PAST THREE DAYS WITH VERY LITTLE PUNCUATION

Thursday... Damin and I travelled to Morgan and Colby's with the intention of looking at a townhouse with the intention of moving in in the future however it was not available to be looked at which was ridiculous so then we went angrily to CiCi's Pizza and Damin and I were totally unaware of this cheap eatery and were very excited about their cheap prices and some large black woman called me Schnookums (sp?) and I told her that no one has ever called me that before and then I ate pizza with bacon on it because it was very discreetly hidden under the cheese in a strategic effort by CiCi to attack vegetarians because they do not label their pizza and their spinach pizza tasted a lot like poop even though I've never tasted feces I'm pretty sure it tastes like spinach pizza from Cici's so then we went back to M&C's apartment and watched Hitch which is a terrible film and then I drank two cans of Big Red because I knew that Ohio hates me and my favorite carbonated beverage and then everyone went to bed after we had a sex talk which happens everytime Damin and I are in a group that consists of 3 or more humans and then Damin went to bed and I stayed up downloading a lot of music with the intention of making that owed mix CD but then I totally forgot because I'm stupid and then I went to sleep finally at 7:30 AM and woke up at noon and this is Friday, so...

Friday... At noon we went to North Vernon and I prepared myself for a long ass drive to Cleveland because I'm crazy and I got in my car to go to the theater to get my check and a car pulled out in front of me and I was all like "Sir I cannot die I need to be in Cleveland" and then the never-used train tracks by my road were being used by an unnecessarily long train and now I wonder if the car in front of me could see me shouting about how I have to be in Cleveland like right now and then eventually I cashed my check and met up with Damin and we drove many a mile and then got "lost" and Damin was sarcastically "OH GREAT, now we're lost" a hundred times he said this and then I exploded and was like "OMG WE ARE NOT FUCKING LOST OMG WE ARE NOT AAAHHHAHA" and then I ate the directions and Ian and Courtney kept calling like a billion times to tell us we were probably going the wrong way but we weren't and we got there so yeah and then Friday went not at all as planned and we went to some Dave and Buster's place wherein I got tricked again into eating bacon that was hidden on a very bland potato skin and I broke my ID in my hand while I was talking to Lindsay and speaking of her we were supposed to go meet her and we left and everything and then we were on our way and she called and was like "omg just kidding" and I was mad at first but got over it because it wasn't her fault so we went back to D&B's and I lost air hockey to some man I do not know and I threw my hitter across the damn arcade oh my god I have never been more pissed in my life but at least I kicked Courtney's ass and then Damin, Courtney and I left to find a hotel and we discovered a Red Roof Inn with a brown roof on the ??Cracker Basket?? exit and I went in and I asked "Where are we?" and he shouted that I was at West Lake and I don't know if that's necessarily a negative or positive so I'm just like "okay." and I gave Damin $60 and we got a double which for some reason was cheaper than a single and he said the single has a microwave and fridge but I'm not a woman who's easily sold and I asked Courtney why this rug was in this strange area and she said because it was wrinkled and my mind exploded and then we had a pillow fight and bed-jumping party and tried to download porn but apparently failed and Courtney and Damin were pissed because I was on the phone with Lindsay and Courtney knocked me out with a shoe and hid my phone then we took Courtney home and stopped at a gas station because I thought there would be a knockoff of Big Red somewhere but apparently Ohio doesn't believe in red cream soda at all so we returned to the Red Roof Inn where I slept until Saturday morning.

Saturday... Woke up and was immediately forced by Damin to pretend to be Mary Courtney Collins on the phone and seriously act like my mother's maiden name is B-l-a-h Blah and feel like a dumbass and we used toothbrushes with plastic brissles that made my gums bleed then we picked the real Mary up and went to Cici's again and Courtney discovered all you can eat buffet there is $3.99 and was like "Hell yeah" and I laughed for three years and Lindsay called and said she probably wasn't going to see me today even though I am in goddamn land of Cleve which is an extremely rare thing and I wasn't going to let that happen so we arranged for a library meetup later and then Courtney and Damin and myself took a jaunt to the mall downtown and the ramp to the parking area was very high up and above a large body of water and I said "I'm gonna throw up" and Damin was like "Oh she's joking" and then I threw up and then Courtney spent her $50 at Bath and Body Works and then finally I got a message from Lindsay saying where this library was in the middle of nowhere in particular and finally we arrived and I told Courtney I would give her five dollars to smack Lindsay for telling us to turn around and she did but later I got it back because Courtney bet me five dollars that I would be way shy anyway we looked at books and talked but I met Lindsay and it was my favorite part and she was taller than me and then we left and went to Coldstone and I almost threw up again because Courtney and Damin kept talking about semen and then we drove around and Courtney was terrified of the driver's driving and then we dropped her off and went home and I drove the majority of the way and once we got back to North Vernon we stopped at the TB and I eventually threw up again then came home then talked to L-Trob then she said she would call back but lied.

The whole time I was smelling like creme brulee.

Maybe it doesn't sound fun to you but it was okay fun for me and I have no regrets, well maybe one. Now it's Sunday and I'm dead. I'll edit this post probably to include random things that I remember.

Nov. 28th, 2005

poop

(no subject)

Nov. 26th, 2005

poop

(no subject)

My dad often says a lot of stupid shit that it is completely unnecessary.

Like, for instance, "Watch when you leave, don't hit my truck."

As if I was planning on just crashing into the fucking side of it. Like I'm leaving and I think to myself, "Well... he didn't tell me I couldn't hit it... hmm."

It's like when people tell you to "Be careful" or "Drive safe"

Oh, good thing you made these demands or I would be driving erratically and really putting my life on the line.

The problem with some people is they lack the ability to carry an intelligent conversation but not the ability to speak.
poop

(no subject)

Man. I said something funny tonight but I forgot it.

I sure am having close to the worst night ever. Don't act like you care. I mean, someone's going to ask me what's wrong and I'm not going to have a good answer. Chemical imbalance in my brain? Tom Cruise would find that very unacceptable.

Only the Talking Heads can soothe me. I need some Wild Wild Life. This picture of Damin and I does make me laugh:

OMG LOLZ I TOTALLY WASN'T PREPAREDDD!11 HE WAS JUST LIKE ""ONE... TWO..." AND THEN HE TOOK IT WTFFFF LOL@MY SHOCKED EXPRESSION!!1

Nov. 19th, 2005

poop

(no subject)

Harry Potter was dropkicking us in the face. hahahah It's hilarious now... I have never heard so many people say they were going to commit suicide in my life. We were all like "I'M TOTALLY GOING TO THE KITCHEN TO FUCKING DIE." We had a slit-wrist party planned for afterhours. All showings sold out and we have two prints. Some girl my age was like "Can I get a blue slushie?" I was like "No, they are only for children." HAhAhAHsashsfa. This was way worse than Episode III. I was being such a bitch to everyone. A lady complained about prices... she was like "THIS IS COMMUNISM!" I was thinking "Capitalism ACTUALLY." Some kid dropped two dollars. I pocketed it immediately. That's a week's salary. I work like two days a week there... I told Damin if I got fired I wouldn't even fucking notice.

We replaced Junior Mints with Whoppers. What a poor decision. Junior Mints, it's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious!!1 Anyway, Whoppers are disgusting. People who like them disgust me. Be gone. Jane was like "What are whompers??" Mitch was like, "I don't know but WHOPPERS are..." I laughed for three hours and it wasn't very funny.

We waited forever for Harry Potter to get out. We told our favorite foreign exchange student stories. Mine was my junior year of high school when Hei-Won from South Korea wanted to try Vanilla Coke, because she never had... I took her to the pop machine. I put in the money. We were both very excited. I pushed the damn button. The machine says the typical, "VEND"... She was like "OH NO VANILLA COKE END!!!" I was like "HAHAHAHHAHAHA No! Vend! It's not ended! It's coming out!" Hahahahahah I peed.

My sister texted me while I was there... it says, "Well, I just wanted you to know you are going to be an aunt again, yep, I am pregnant! I didn't know if you knew or not. Love ya."

Oh.

I'm not really excited. I have no emotions.

Now I'm home, eating a salad, watching some PBS, not acknowledging my dog's need to leave the house to clear waste from her system, and I can't wait for the same thing to happen tomorrow. I hate cucumbers.. people who like them clearly have broken tastebuds.

Oh--anyway, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is the. best. ever. I don't care how much grief I get for liking it. Fuck your mother.

I wonder how Damin's date went. I texted him and he totally got it... but did not reply. That means he is sleeping or doing it. I don't think people often check a text message mid-intercourse, but you never know.

"A woman in Iowa found a dead baby turtle in a 2-pound package of Folgers coffee. Said a spokesman for Folgers, 'We've secretly replaced this woman's regular coffee with a dead baby turtle.'" - Amy Poehler

HAhahahshadashdajksdhkasjdhLOLZ

Nov. 17th, 2005

poop

And I want you! At any price!

My life is okay right now.

Brent: WHY WERE THEY MAKING YOU SUCK IN YOUR VAGINA
Brent: I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT
Me: it's something that you do to stop yourself from peeing
Me: they learned it in sex class
Brent: hmmm
Brent: no idea
Me: it's an exercise
Brent: for your vagina?
Brent: why, does your vagina need to be powerful
Me: hahahahahahhah yes

Yes, this is what I spent my day doing at Teeter-Wissler Level 5 at Indiana University. I was worried I was tightening improperly since my ass was also tense. However, Jessica comforted me by saying, "Oh, your butt goes too." God bless her. We went to the mall, got more samples than we deserved from Auntie Anne's pretzel shop, had random EDP's, etc. etc. Um... also.. I bought one of the last mint mocha chip frappuccino's from the Starbuck's franchise. Seasonal my ass, get out of town. Who the fuck wants pumpkin spice? Disgusting.

I talked to Lindsay on telephone the other day. Man, she doesn't even know what bouillon cubes are. Well admittedly didn't know what the hell she was talking about at first either... but, I forgive her. Infant harlot commoner. She didn't even know what box was. Yet she does know chode. Oh, youth. She's nothing like Paris. Not sure why Courtney says this. Paris is a dumb bitch who has forgotten her true friends in life.

My Myspace has a terribly amusing photograph of Jessica and I.

Ashley lost her phone, and I think she turned into Lucifer. I'm pretty sure. Anyway, Ashley's sister got yelled at by another girl at school or something... and she told her mom, "That girl needs to go to church and stay there!" I'm using that in life. hahahah.

Damin really is trying to get me to love the new Madonna song. I'll stick with listening to Trina. All day at the mall and such I was singing "I do all types of shit, be quick ta deep throat a dick, let anotha bitch straight lick tha clit."

I want a Harry Potter track jacket. Shut your damn mouth.

HAHAHAHAH AT WORK... at the theatre... oh man... some guy ran in with a large beverage from mcdonalds, shouted "GRENADE!", threw it at the computers at box office, ran out, and sped away in a truck. OMG HILARIOUS. I don't even care... I didn't have to clean it up, and I think it's the funniest thing ever. Still laughing.

Joanna is drunk dialing me now, but I won't answer.

YES SARAH SILVERMAN ON CONAN TOMORROW.

I want to go see Gravy Train!!!! but L-Trob will totally mack on me. Haaa.

What the hell kind of hat is Steve Harvey wearing on Conan? Mysterious.

Life = fun.

Nov. 7th, 2005

poop

(no subject)

http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/omgchrista/

I got one of those. If you have one... add me and I will add you back.

It's a little better... even though I have a paid account here. Do not fret, this will be my primary journal. I know you care.

Oct. 30th, 2005

poop

(no subject)

From: Andy
Subject: HEY SEXY
Body: I JUST WANTED TO SAY GO CULTS

Myspace message.

Not sure if he means "cults"... as in all groups of people worshipping some off the wall leader... or "Colts" the Indianapolis football team that is good.

Mystery.

Oct. 29th, 2005

poop

(no subject)

me: I hate Frasier. How did it survive for so long?
preston: no clue. I hated it too... and seinfeld
me: I'll pretend you didn't say you hated Seinfeld.
preston: hahaha. it was lame
preston: and unfunny
me: I'll pretend you didn't say Seinfeld was lame and unfunny.

I just passed out.

Oct. 27th, 2005

poop

(no subject)

On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence.
We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions.
Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House is
unable to respond to every message, and therefore this response
is an autoreply.

Thank you again for taking the time to write.


All lies.

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